Pet the Pathogen

Oh, YAY, a petting zoo! Can’t wait to slog through animal crap and listen to parents bark Insta photo shoot directions to toddlers and livestock – using their Happy Daddy Falsetto Voice.

Yes, by all means, Nancie should be tongue kissed on the mouth by that piglet – swine flu is a total party. It’s no problem at all that Bettie just picked up a baby bunny by its ears - if it hurt, that thing would have said so. Sure, they say kids can build their immunity by eating mud - if only that was actually mud on Brandie’s hand. That tiny lamb is enjoying having Bennie sit on him like a horse - no really, those are bleats of joy. It’s beyond adorable that Bodie is hugging that turtle, but he probably shouldn’t kiss– TOO LATE! Oh, well, salmonella can be a family bonding opportunity.

Baby humans tormenting baby farm animals for photo ops. The odor of hand sanitizer mixed with manure stench. The bizarre tradition of encouraging children to make friends and form bonds with creatures that will ultimately wind up on their dinner plates. Petting zoos are the weirdest childhood mindfucks EVER.

“Hug the calf, Wendiiiiiiie. Smile! Turn its head toward Daddiiiie. Make it stay there. Pretty girrrrrrrrrl. Got it. Now, who wants a burger?”

Something else that's gag-worthy...